i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
