i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
