Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
