i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
