i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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