Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
