DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
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