btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
