Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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