mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
