He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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