When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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