You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
