Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
