You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
