My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
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Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
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So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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