I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
