my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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