i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
