mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
