i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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