the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
