Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
