I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
