He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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