I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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