People in love make me want to vomit
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
