when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
