I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
