Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
