on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Randomize
