Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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