P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
