Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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