I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
