i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
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I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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