You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
