Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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