He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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