my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
