While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
