you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
