fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
