I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
