I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
