he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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