My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
