its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Is that strawberry winking at me??
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
