Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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