if you like me you must not know who I am
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
