umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
