drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
