as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
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you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
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I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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