I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dear god my vagina.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
