you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
