Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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